Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
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don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*