Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
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This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.