Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
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DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Brands during Pride
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I was bored.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
ATMs should have breathalyzers