My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
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[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…