I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
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[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Harsh but fair
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*