My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
You Might Also Like
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Ion see the issue