Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
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I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.