“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
You Might Also Like
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Risking my life for fun.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL