Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
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it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.