At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
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When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé