Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
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Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
(Jupiter –
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Message from the dog groomers
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
My kitchen overserved me.