if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
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The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch