Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
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Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Sunday
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone