Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
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Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.