WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
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lmfao
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.