“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
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Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning