I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
You Might Also Like
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
United Steaks of America
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*