“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
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opening a flower shop called women in stem
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp