Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
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“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
LMAO
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
this is the best interaction on twitter
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
You learn something every day
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?