Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
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Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.