The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
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Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
🛁
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.