Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
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You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.