“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
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Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.