If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
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Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea