How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
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Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.