I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
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Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?