Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
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Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right