It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
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My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”