I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
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Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib