COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
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The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
mood
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah