Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
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Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.