It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
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Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.