*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
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life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Tony Hawk, age 6
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.