Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
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{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
“i am a sweet baby”
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
my retirement plan is braless