911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
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what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
My favorite female superhero
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*