Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
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me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?