ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
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Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
when someone rings the doorbell
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
gm
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]