If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
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I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant