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*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Oh deer
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?