Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
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How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Good morning, Twitter 😊
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation