Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
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My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.