I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
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i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
This chloroform smells expensiv…
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –