Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
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In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!