Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
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Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
R.I.P.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas