CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
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*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.