I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
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Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?