I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
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If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?