Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
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Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.