Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
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me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
All. The. Damn. Time.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.