Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
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Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
But I really needed water water water
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit